In Relationships & Sexuality

About six months ago, I was sitting at my desk in my engineering office and I had five of my male colleagues standing around my desk asking me to elaborate on how I thought is was possible to have a sexually alive, long term relationship. I was cautiously hesitating that non-ejaculatory tantra might be out of the bounds of normal workplace conversations, but they kept urging me to continue. So I told them some of what I have been blessed to learn about the benefits of implosive (sexually generative) orgasms, as distinguished from explosive (sexually dissipative) orgasms (and I’m talking something that applies to both men and women here).

I found it quite understandable that my engineering colleagues didn’t have this knowledge. They’re engineers after all, and have been exploring pursuits somewhat different to what I’ve enjoyed in my part time hippie career (in the many hours that I’m not at my part time engineering job). But then a few weeks later, and again a few months later, and even again a couple of days ago, I find that other friends, who are into all the same strange alternative things as me, are asking me similar questions.

And I want to answer YES! A healthy long term sexual relationship is possible! And more-so, I believe it can be like the perpetual motion battery of the family!!! I see it as a way of tapping into divine and unlimited energy, a doorway to the heart, and a doorway to healing and self empowerment.

I hate professing that I know something, because usually straight after I have done so, I fall flat on my face as a downright example of the opposite. And without saying that it will last any longer than it has (even though my partner and I dream deeply of journeying to the end of our lives together), it has lasted a very happy, very sexually alive three years, and is deeply committed. And that’s about ten times longer than its ever lasted for me in the past (daily beautiful love making I mean, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, sometimes if we don’t see each other we skip a day or two). Yet, looking around, I get the strange suspicion that this is currently a relatively unusual achievement. (Whilst most people seem to assume that they are meant to have sexually alive, long term relationships, I don’t actually see it happening very often. And often people leave what appears as a ‘sexually dissipated’ relationship in order to continue to pursue this elusive goal that they know they are supposed to have.)

I think the illness in our sexuality, reflects the illness in our society. Being GOAL ORIENTED.

Pursuing, attaining, acquiring are some of the words which best describe our behavior in this capitalist society. And then media advertisements attach sex symbols to these ‘false gods’ of consumer items that we wish to pursue, attain acquire. All for them to disappear in a ‘puff of smoke’ the moment we acquire, that new car and that new ‘sexy’ toothbrush.

Kind of like the common orgasm.

Disappears in a puff of smoke, the minute you have it.

I have learned (from my own experiences as well as through teachers and lovers who I am blessed to have had come into my life) that there is another type of orgasm, which feels a little like a ‘sunrise’, and a lot different to the outcome oriented game of pursuit ‘puff of smoke’. An orgasm which enlivens the being and opens the heart, rather than making you feel like rolling over and falling asleep.

Now I’m certainly no master (mistress ?) of tantra, and I don’t consider myself ‘multi-orgasmic’ (i.e. commonly having more than one orgasm in a row). But I do have a lot of fun, I do make love as a doorway to feeling blissful and heart open, and I do do this on a daily basis. My medicine makes me scream with joy and opens my heart.

My doorway into this has been to practice surrender, rather than pursuit. And thankfully, in this sex and outcome obsessed society, a great healing medicine is actually;


Just stop grasping for the outcome, and a sunrise will eventually creep up on you which is out of this world, out of your world, and has the potential to open you, and I and everyone to the divine.

One way you can enable sexually generative orgasms is to allow yourself to become aroused, but then pause before you get to the point of no return. Before you get to the point of ‘grasping’ where you squeeze all your muscles and slide down the slippery dip of a wild but explosive (and sexually depleting) orgasm. (Men tend to ejaculate in an explosive orgasm, whereas women just feel their sexual energy or libido dramatically decreasing). Once you’ve paused for a minute or so, you can play with building the energy again until just before the ‘point of no return’, and so on. Keep doing this, forever ad infinitum! (you may still end up having lots of unintended orgasms, but you won’t be trying to reach them, and I promise you, that they will get ever more fulfilling the more you practice this method.) And once in a while, every now and then, and after a time more frequently, you may have deeply deeply satisfying and renewing implosive (what I call ‘sexually generative’) orgasms.

Good sex is not about happy endings any more than reading a good novel is about finding a happy ending on every page. But your favourite novel always opens your heart when you enter it. And as you get more practice at it, you’ll find novels which are more interesting on every page.

A really useful and unknown piece of information is that, men can actually orgasm without ejaculating!!! It is possible for a man to have an internal orgasm without any semen coming out AND it feels amazing for them. And a man can enable this purely on an energetic level, by practising not going beyond the ‘point of no return’. I’ve seen and experienced my partner having this a number of times. Thankfully, we don’t have to be able to achieve this level of control to start realising the benefits of tantra. Men can physically block their ejaculation by pressing hard on their perineum (make sure you look this up and seek further input before deciding whether, and how, to practice this -I’m no expert!). This is a tantric technique which has been practiced for thousands of years in India, which physically diverts semen into the bladder. This enables an orgasm without the full depletion of an ejaculation. In my experience, a man in his forties will be ready to make love an hour after a physically blocked ejaculation, whereas it might have taken him a day to recharge from an ejaculation which he hasn’t diverted.

Just a short add on, if you keep practising sexual surrender without doing anything with all that extra energy, you’ll probably go a little bit crazy, very quickly. Its kind of like infinitely charging a battery but never using it for anything, you may start to climb the walls and want to hump your pillow as you pass it.

So don’t do nothing with the energy.

When you make love in a state of surrender, your heart opens. In my experience, sometimes I even have the words in my head ‘this is killing me’ or ‘I’m dying’ and on some level a part of my ego is dying, or surrendering. I start to feel more sensations in my whole body, and sometimes I physically feel my heart open. I start to feel warm and deeply alive in my heart and other parts of my body. I stop counting things and ‘to do’ lists. (I’ll be honest, I still start many sexual experiences still rapidly trying to remove myself from the countless ‘to do’ lists that I carry with me day to day, slowly finding my way to surrender, and on some harrassingly busy occasions, still not finding it).

Anyway, when you make love like this, you may find yourself staring deeply into your partners eyes, and feeling deeply in love with him (or her) and the whole world. At these times, you can use the sexual energy you have built to devote yourself to love, to the divine, to the deep creative force that the religions call prayer, and the scientists call ‘intention’. ‘Intention’ just means that you are deciding to live more fully. You may be deciding to commit to love your partner more fully, committing to deeper honesty, or envisioning something you want to create in the world. Its not woo woo magic, its simply aligning your mind to look for and expect opportunities which match your intention. And the mind is powerfully rewired when we commit from a heart open space (and sex is good for getting us into a this state). People knew that when they heard Martin Luther King speak, that he was going to make magic and move the masses. This is because he was not just speaking with his mind, but also with his heart. When our hearts and minds are aligned, intention is powerful. And sex is like the supercharge that can put the turbo, in your creativity. And when you’re in a heart open space, you can only intend for something that is satisfying on a heart level (I doubt you’ll find yourself thinking of how to purchase the latest flavour of chocolate ice-cream in the hight of your orgasmic experience). No, when we’re really in touch with orgasmic energy, we connect with our deepest desires and soul purposes.

And, no matter how much we have practised, we will still run for the finish line and chase the occasional orgasm until it deeply releases us from the frantic energy of pursuit. And that’s ok, occasionally you will also be gifted an unexpected ‘orgasm’ from the universe, one that you didn’t try to attain, and this will start to re-charge your love battery in ways you haven’t previously known.

And you may just find yourself looking into your partners eyes in the way you did when you were first in love. And you may (if you have kids) find your kids settling into this deep groove of peace, for a reason they don’t quite register, but possibly to do with them sensing a solidity and deep love present in your relationship.

That’s what I have experienced, and it takes practice, and time and commitment (and I often wonder how it could ever be possible if we were both working full time, because it can take me forever to find surrender after an eight hour office day). But whatever you need to do to achieve it, its worth it, and I think it is a definite doorway to attaining the mythical ‘long term sexually fulfilling relationship’.

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