In Relationships & Sexuality

For most of my life I have had a relationship with my spirit. Praying, visioning, often daily.. (sometimes forgetting for periods, but generally using ‘the power of intention’ as a long-standing tool with which to find hope, faith and with which to direct my life)

For the past ten years (as I have become deeply in touch with my vulnerability) I have learned to have a close relationship with my heart, knowing when it is open, when it is closed, how to care for it and enable this tender creature within my breast to open more sweetly and more often.

But without realising it, I have somehow subtly always thought of my body as being of lesser importance. I might have absorbed some ideas about this as I solitarily entered my Christian faith as a tween. Nevertheless, somehow I have had this unspoken idea, that it was less worthwhile to focus my attention on my physical experience (I have always seen the physical is impermanent, and that it is the spirit, the way we have ‘loved’ which prevails beyond this vehicle that is our life).

Last night I had a dream, a dream that I was planting some plants. As I planted them, I saw that they were also women, with their tender roots spreading from their feet. I carefully placed their roots in the earth, and to my dismay accidentally broke one off quite close to its origin. I carefully placed as much root in the ground as I could, also including a little of the green in the hope that it would become root.

As I did so, I was aware that I was not the expert on which bit of the root should be in the ground. I said to the women ‘You know best, if at any point, you need to move some of what I have planted, above ground, or below ground, you can tell me, at any time of day and night.’ Then I realised that they were women, with arms and legs, and I further said to them ‘in fact, you can do this for yourself, replant your roots for yourself’. The women looked at me dumbfounded, as if it had never occurred to them that they had the independence to move their own legs and roots, based on which position ‘felt better’. It was almost as if, in the dream, ‘I’ represented my ‘mind’, and the women represented my ‘body’, and I was dumbfounded at the idea that I could use my own sense of ‘pleasure’, to direct my body, that I should be worthy of doing this!

When I woke from this dream the following question came to me ‘what if I cared for my own body, loved my own body, with the same tenderness with which I observe plants?’ ‘Is it not a sacred thing to care for the physical, in the way that I love plants, and other people’s wellbeing for that matter?’

I know this might sound like a ‘kindergarten’ level of realisation (on the spiritual trek that we’re all on) but it felt deeply significant and ground breaking to me.

My dreams had translated for me a knowing that is coming to my awareness of late, that I can have a love relationship with the various parts of my body, my thighs, my legs, my breasts, my chest, and this is a sacred thing!

I know that many people have already realised this, but for me, this is a new little gem to add to the cart of treasures which help me ride through this world.

Bar my teen experiences, my men have always told me I was tantric. And I have been able to find great spiritual heights, navigate to seas of pleasure and heart open-ness through long love making. And yet, a part of me always felt like a bit of a ‘phony’ when writing about tantric experiences. It has always been the man, who has called me back into my body, very rarely have I had the interest, or taken the time, to try and find my way there myself. “Who has time for self pleasure, when one is crazily in love with the chase for ecstasy, deeper and deeper soul fulfilment, and heart connection?” (Well that’s how I’ve always felt anyway). And besides that, why do I need to try, when I always tend to attract these wonderful men, who continually call me into the garden of pleasure, whilst I am relentlessly absorbed in my giddy chase for ecstasy and soul fulfilment?
And until now, this outlook has sufficed, as the perfect recipe for fun and personal development.

However, whether I like it or not, my body is my teacher, and it is calling for something new. For a little while, I have been noticing the women who are deeply connected with their love for their bodies (you can see it from a mile off, they’re in their sex and their thighs, in a way that others don’t come close to) and realising that I ‘want some of that’. And also feeling that ‘maybe its time for me to take the oars, in the relationship, when it comes to generating, seeking and finding ‘self pleasure’. (Long term relationship has a way of calling us to grow into ‘all of us’. In my experience ‘charge’ is created by change, growth and differentiation, and we begin to notice it (in my experience, as a lessening in charge) whenever we become lazy and unwilling to say yes to the change that life is calling forth in us)

And so, reluctant as I may have been, whatever shame or physical experiences I need to feel that have been in the way, its time again, for a whole knew approach on life (of course incorporated in all the previous approaches too).

Thank you life, thank you great loves of my life, thank you dreams, and thank you most of all, to my dear husband Kama Lush​ , who sometimes becomes as overlooked as my own body, because he is always there, always nurturing, always feeding and opening.

(What lucky woman, has this level of care, all the time?)

Darling man, I want to acknowledge you now, you are with me in my very centre. I choose to look into your eyes and have faith and say ‘yes’ to those new openings life is calling for in me (which often frighten me). And I celebrate how you have the courage do the same, when I invite you, our relationship invites you, into new paths. I celebrate the miraculous new emergence and healing which continues to happen as we trust each other and step forth together. I am aware of this great everyday foundation, of our love, your love, my love, which holds me just about as securely as my own body. I choose to say yes, so we can keep stepping into the centre of the universe, and creating all heaven that is, together.

And whilst two people are never each others everything, as a vehicle two people can create, everything is possible, and I want to sail into that everything with you.

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