It hurts to let my gift, my uniqueness, be in the spotlight. Not a bad hurt, but an excruciating healing hurt. Its like every limiting belief I ever had about myself is being torn off me, piece by piece, painstakingly. And I feel it. And its hard to stay with it. And its tempting to run for cover, and do anything, anything to stop this painful, growthful, healing of my soul.
The first time I ran an event (ten years ago?) I nearly died from the wave of self reflection I was faced with. I thought to myself ‘there’s got to be another way, an easy gentle way to create’ and I’ve been looking for it ever since.
And I have found things that make it a lot easier to birth my own creations.
However, at the end of the day. Stepping into the light (to offer our unique gift) is like tearing off all the cloak of our inadequacy, all the little pieces, one, by one. All the ‘but I cant’s’ All the voices that say ‘but I’m shy’ ‘but I’m not good enough’ ‘why me? I cant shine like everyone else’.
And any feelings we had associated with any of those thoughts, have to come off.
Like a band-aid being ripped by a masochistic nursemaid.
I don’t know if you do this stuff in a simpler way, but for me its the EXCRUCIATING JOURNEY OF AWAKENING (and at the same time mysteriously more pleasurable and enlivening than anything else has EVER been). And I try to get better nursemaids around me (and I have some utterly amazing ‘mid wives of my soul in the form of my husband and friends and even children). But its still hard, and its like running the opposite way towards the scary growth all the way, every day, and then up again in the morning and run run run up the hill towards becoming my true actualised self.
And running towards actualisation is not about sitting on a cushion (though meditating can help a lot), but its really about saying yes to more ACTUALISED ALIVENESS every day.
It’s why hardly anyone takes this road (when you look at the 99% settled in corporate life) because it takes such dedication to ripping off the sheath of protective clothing that we have invested in all our lives.
But I went to a conference the other day, of people who ARE saying yes to their unique gifts, and it blew me away. It was a night for ‘Social Entrepreneurs’ and I came out of there convinced that the world was at the beginning of an exponential change. I saw one person changing the world by getting teenagers to lead ‘anti-bullying revolutions’ within schools. I saw another changing the world by teaching kids entrepreneurship (the life stage where this actually belongs!), another two were creating an international conference for entrepreneurs, and the final straw, the one that broke me, was when someone stood up and mentioned that they were using 3D glasses to help people in the 3rd world learn sustainable technologies in real time with experts in the west.
That’s the bit where I thought ‘we’re onto it, and this exponential shift is happening!’
And yet, I try to run and hide, from stepping into the light of my little piece of the puzzle, ALL THE TIME.
And it creeps up on me in little inconspicuous ways, there used to be the ‘I’ll just study for a few years and that’ll help me live my passion’
Study helps but NO TANIA you know what you want to do, and you no longer need a piece of paper to prove you can do it, just start.
There used to be the ‘But I’m happy here, I’m pursuing happiness, is that not my main goal?’
Yes Tania, happiness is your main goal, and your only goal! Peace and ease is a valuable pursuit, but you know that really, you want to actualise yourself and live your fullest potential, and that true peace and happiness happens when you’re on track for that journey. So find easeful paths but try not to fall into the trap of hiding behind hippie bliss, because don’t lie to yourself, it doesn’t stay blissful unless your continuing to grow into giving your uttermost gifts.
After battling these two side tracks for a number of years, I feel like I have finally emerged those ones, but now I have new ones, and they arise about once a week.
Now they sound like ‘why don’t I get some experts in?’ and ‘why don’t I co-facilitate my passion’
And there’s nothing wrong with any of these options, study, experts, co-facilitation are all GREAT.
Except that they are not MY PASSION. Right now I want to live my passion, and all those options are about living SOMEONE ELSES PASSION.
My unique gift, my response to the suffering and inadequacies in this world, my glorious contribution, my special love, ME.
I have done the study, I have experience to my name (and even if I didn’t, we are born experts at our own unique gifts! For crying out loud my favourite game as a child used to be sitting my brother down and being ‘school teacher’!!! Why? because I’ve always wanted to be a FACILITATOR even before I knew what that was!)
And yet I still come into my business coaches office, week after week with a new idea along the lines of ‘So I want to create this event about topic ‘A’, and I’m going to bring in all the experts who know about that topic’ Bam, smug smile, I’ve got it this time! And she looks at me and patiently says ‘Tania why don’t you develop your own IP? (intellectual property – I didn’t know what it meant either).
Or my other diversion is ‘I’d like to work together with my friend Nancy/ Tim [insert name here] on facilitating my passion because it will feel sooo much safer and easier’
Nancy and Tim and all those experts aren’t experts on MY PASSION because they’re NOT ME.
I think that becoming an entrepreneur is like learning to walk, you fall on your arse lots (and if you’re like me, you cry and want cuddles) but at the end of the day, you have to learn to be YOU on your own.
Joining someone who is also just beginning is a great option, but in the wrong circumstance, its kind of like grabbing another toddler and expecting that to help you learn how to be yourself.
I call it the ‘BE VISIBLE’ muscles, the muscles which allow us to stand in the light and have our own gifts be seen. And these muscles are not strengthened unless we kick out those own little legs of ours, independently (and with a supportive hug crew whom we are probably also supporting with our hugs).
Create the crash team for when you fall, find your supporters and loved ones who naturally help you become yourself, but at the end of the day, unless you kick those little legs of yours, you ain’t gonna grow into your full, true, actualised self.
People also use the analogy that two trees shouldn’t be planted too close together (lest they stunt each others growth) but that if planted at appropriate spacing, their branches will support and intertwine when they are older.
I think that collaborating is great if each person also fully carries their own individual light and vision. However if people ‘co – facilitate’ too early in their development, I think that the world misses out! This is because neither of you can go fully into the realisation of your gift, because compromise is required and you are trying to do two things at once.
And its true that some people are ‘creators’ and some people are ‘supporters’ and some are ‘engineers and technicians’ and we are all some of these things at various stages of our lives.
However, at the end of the day ‘only you can sing the song that you came to sing in this world’
And maybe now is a good time to start to learn how to sing it.
Tania coaches ‘Sensitive Souls’ help them harness their unique passion. Click here for a complimentary initial session.